I wrote this article way back in 2005, long before blogs were really popular. It was my reaction to some "art" which was planted in my hometown a few blocks from where I had been working. At the time of this writing I was living in Charleston, but I remember driving past this unholy eyesore every day.
Impending Horror
You may be wondering what I'm being appalled by in the photo on the left. Well, it's not really a long story, but I do have some photos I'd like to share by way of explanation.
I recently got my very own digital camera, and although I'm living in Charleston right now, I thought it would be nice to go back home to Columbia and take some pics while I visited a friend. My primary goal was to get some pictures of some public art pieces by a Columbia artist named Blue Sky. (Yes, that's his name. I think he changed it back in the 60's, or something.)
To give you the full idea of what we're looking at, let me show you some of his other stuff first.
Some of the Good Stuff
Tunnel Vision, painted by Blue Sky in 1975. It's a pretty decent mural, and it's contained in a small parking lot downtown rather than just flush with the road. This is most likely to prevent drunks from simply driving into it on a Friday night.
It's not exactly a Raphael, but it's just Columbia SC, for crying out loud. It's not a port city, there aren't any major exports... in fact, the place was only built because no one wanted to drag their horse and buggy to Charleston all the time. Columbia owes it's status as the capital... in fact, it owes its very existence as a city to its convenient location in the middle of the state. I guess projects like Tunnel Vision are an effort on the part of the city to make itself look a little more posh.
Anyway, Tunnel Vision was a success. It's the most famous mural in town, and if you were standing where I was when I took the picture, then you'd see this other mural off to the left in an a connected parking lot. I'm not sure who painted it, but I'll be sure to update this article when I find out.
It's rather pretty, and it does our city a service by being there on the side of an optometrist's office. Kudos for Columbia, and all that.
Unfortunately, the city isn't always very bright when it comes to art projects. For instance, at the Huger Street exit off of I-126, the city made plans to build a waterfall. Thousands of tax dollars were spent, and then apparently ran out. There are certainly a lot of rocks under the bridge there, but no waterfall. It looks like a dump truck full of rocks was tipped over there. I shudder to think how much money it took to not finish that, or for that matter, to start it.
What the Hell?
All of this, of course, brings me to the subject at hand. Back in 2001 I was working in downtown Columbia, and around that time this strange object suddenly reared it's ugly veiled head on Taylor Street, right in front of Tunnel Vision. Word on the street was that Blue Sky was involved, and I'm sure the folks in Irmo were fascinated by it. Those of us in the Downtown area, however, quickly grew tired of the obstruction to traffic and were left with a single thought: "whatever that thing is, it had better be good."
Well... it wasn't. On February 18, 2001, the City of Columbia unveiled this obscene monster. Here is Busted Plug Plaza, by Blue Sky. (And a number of construction workers who apparently don't receive artistic credit for actually building it. Or maybe they just don't want people to know...)
That's right. It was a giant fire hydrant. Just what Columbia needed... yet another project which would endlessly pump water out onto the ground at the tax-payer's expense.
Oh, I know what some of you are thinking. "Come on, Brian... it's art. Maybe you just don't understand the subtleties of what you're seeing."
Right. Sure. Let me tell you something, if that's your view. I've had a little art appreciation in college, and I've actually seen some really interesting abstract stuff. There are things out there which can trick your eye and entertain, amuse and provoke thought... and then there are people who feed acrylic paint to a monkey and then sell the toilet it used for an easy ten grand. This ugly monster is an eyesore, and an expensive one at that.
A Sense of Scale
And it's huge. I had to get another pic just for scale. Here's my buddy Todd standing next to the damned thing.
Look, he can't figure out why the hell anyone gave Blue Sky money for this beast either.
Thanks to some easily-conned idiot in our government somewhere, we can no longer drive down Taylor street without wondering if our tax dollars actually get used on things like roads and such.
And guess what? It's the largest fire hydrant in the world. At 29.5 feet, it beats out this other pathetic waste of time from Beaumont, Texas by five feet. Imagine the earth-shattering record we could have set if ours wasn't tipped over at an angle!
Even though ours isn't fully erect, it's still bigger than the one the Texas has. (You know they made that joke. Over, and over, and over, I'm sure.)
Oh, Look! He Made a Joke!
You may have noticed a small warning sign on the perimeter fence. Here's a closer view of it. Now, I'll admit that this is kind of funny, in an "amuse the tourists who don't come here anyway" sort of way, but when I see it I can't help but imagine myself starting a dog-walking business. I believe it would add to the validity of the piece if it bore a personal endorsement from every dog in the city.
But after that, I always end up wondering if this image is to scale. If it is, then I don't think I'd want that dog to get too relaxed in the downtown area, even if he is raising his leg in an act of defiant justice.
For this, We Get National Attention
Here's a view of it from a site called Roadsideamerica.com. This is a publicity shot from Blue Sky Gallery, and in it you can clearly see Tunnel Vision being ruined by the largest dog privy on the planet. You can no longer drive by to see Tunnel Vision without seeing this beast. If you were standing in the parking lot behind the Horror, you'd be able to see that nice tractor mural a short distance away on the left.
Acceptance of Our Fate
In any case, it looks like we're stuck with the thing. They'll never tear it down, and at this point it would probably be cheaper-to-keep-her anyway. So if you're Columbia, South Carolina, be sure to drive down Taylor Street and be horrified at your convenience.
I still can't believe that we'd build a giant fire hydrant unless we intended to put out giant fires. But then, it's not really a functioning hydrant anyway. It's just a big model. So for what it's worth, Blue Sky... it might be the biggest on on the planet, but we all know that it doesn't work.
- Brian.
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